By Professor Syntax
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On the eve of what may go down in history as the “Great Walkout of 2025,” more than 100,000 federal employees are set to hand in their resignations Tuesday, citing “fear, insecurity, and moral exhaustion.” The Trump administration, to its credit, calls it something more glamorous: a “government reboot.”
“This is not chaos,” declared a White House spokesperson, adjusting her metaphorical crown. “This is performance art. A purge with purpose.” The administration argues this move clears the bleachers so fresh talent can storm in. Critics contend it’s a scorched-earth play to shift blame for the imminent government shutdown.
The mass exodus is tied to President Trump’s push to dramatically shrink the size of the federal workforce — an agenda he says he campaigned on, though nobody really believed it would be acted on with literal guillotines. But now, the guillotine is metaphorical... for now.
Congress is scrambling. Without enough staff, key operations and data releases will be delayed. The Labor Department already announced it will suspend the September jobs report if the shutdown hits. Meanwhile, the markets are jittery. Stocks are rising, gold is soaring, and nervous analysts are wondering whether the Fed meeting can even proceed.
In a late-night tweet, Trump promised a “strong, lean, mean federal machine” by week’s end. Asked whether this was just optics for his base, the White House responded: “Isn’t all politics theatre, in the grandest theater of all — Washington, D.C?”
Regardless of spin, the resignation wave leaves gaping holes in agency after agency. From NASA to the Internal Revenue Service, absent bodies mean absent functions. For once, the phrase “skeleton workforce” may be literal.
As midnight approaches, all eyes are on Capitol Hill. Will Congress avert the shutdown? Can the federal government keep the lights on when so many workers have walked out? Stay tuned — literally, because we might not even be able to publish the jobs report tomorrow.
