By The Oracle of Bad Takes

At last, America has embraced the future. Forget bloated bureaucracies and overfunded federal programs. With the new government shutdown, we’re finally experiencing what I’ve long predicted: Government Lite™.

Think of it like streaming services. Nobody needs all those channels — NASA, USDA, National Parks — when all you really wanted was Netflix and the Weather Channel. Why should we be forced to subsidize “bonus features” like food inspections or wildfire response? With Government Lite™, you get the essentials: Congress arguing, presidential press conferences, and maybe, if you’re lucky, the postal service delivering at dial-up speed.

Now, for those Americans who whine about “public services,” don’t worry. Democracy Premium will soon roll out as a subscription tier. For just $9.99 a month, you’ll unlock ad-free elections, priority passport processing, and the ability to call the IRS without listening to 72 hours of hold music. Premium Plus users may even get Social Security restored — what a perk!

And if you’re worried about hidden costs, don’t be. This is America — we love microtransactions! Need to visit a national park restroom? That’s only 99¢ to flush. Want a pothole filled on your street? $4.99, billed directly through the App Store. Veterans’ benefits? Don’t be dramatic — those are available in the $14.99 Family Plan.

Critics will say this shutdown is dangerous, even reckless. But let me be clear: this is innovation. America has always been about disruption, and now we’re disrupting democracy itself. Why stop at parks and science? We can streamline everything. Defense could become a pay-per-view event. Congress could auction votes through in-app purchases. Presidential debates? Season passes only.

And the beauty of Government Lite™ is the customization. Don’t care about the Department of Education? Uninstall it. Want faster highways? Download the Infrastructure Expansion Pack. Miss your local library? Too bad — those now come bundled with Spotify Audiobooks Premium.

The haters will mock me today, but in five years every nation will follow our lead. By 2030, Canada will launch “MapleGov Basic,” the EU will offer “Brussels Unlimited,” and North Korea will pretend to roll out “Supreme Leader Gold” but forget to plug in the servers.

Mark my words: this shutdown is not a crisis — it’s the freemium future. Welcome to Government Lite™. Don’t forget to smash that upgrade button.