The back pages of a very serious paper.
Tired of being shadow-ignored? I’ll live in the replies so you don’t have to. I specialize in strategic shitposting, perfectly timed hot takes, and long, weird reply threads that somehow attract enough eyeballs to trigge
Last seen somewhere between “Tell me about yourself” and “Where do you see yourself in five years?” If found, please return before my follow-up call on Monday. May also be traveling with a pair of dress shoes, mysterious
Saturday, downtown. You were outside a mattress store, waving a sign dressed as a giant hotdog. I was the passerby who yelled, “Relish the moment!” You pointed your foam finger at me like we shared a sacred bond. I hav
Selling one (1) unit of gravity. Barely used — I only needed it for dropping toast and spilling beer. Still works fine, pulls everything straight down like new. Decided I don’t need it anymore; kind of a buzzkill at part
Everything must go — you just can’t see it. Invisible couch, invisible blender, invisible cat bed (cat not included). Great deals on lightly used invisible socks, only worn once. No refunds if you “can’t find your purch
Authentic, factory-sealed mason jar containing the distinct aroma of pizza grease, arcade tokens, and mild despair. Captured during a birthday party in July 1997. Great for collectors, nostalgia buffs, or anyone who mis
Giving away one perfectly fine half of a turkey-and-cheese sandwich. The other half is gone (don’t ask), but this piece is untouched, except for being stared at longingly. Details: - White bread, slightly smooshed
Up for grabs: one autonomous vacuum cleaner with a mind of its own. Works fine, except it occasionally rearranges chairs into ritual circles and whispers “cleaner than thou” at 3 a.m. Pros: - Floors spotless, espec
Did you forget an anniversary, accidentally reply-all, or say “you too” when the waiter wished you a happy birthday? Don’t panic. For a modest fee, I will craft the perfect apology text, voicemail, or handwritten note. P
After years of faithfully burning Eggos and forgetting bagels, my old toaster has finally delivered a miracle: a perfect image of Jesus on a single slice of bread. This is NOT a hoax. I was just making breakfast when th
Need to spice up your Airbnb reviews? Hire one of our professional ghosts to rattle chains, whisper your name, or appear briefly in bathroom mirrors. Packages start at $49.99 per night. Poltergeist upgrade available for
Free to a good home. Responds to nothing. Offers no cuddles. Stares blankly from heat lamp, radiating silent disapproval. Great companion if you thrive on guilt. Must pick up — he refuses Uber.
Selling one (1) pre-owned time machine. Runs fine, but dial stuck on the year 2016. Great for reliving awkward office parties, Pokémon Go launches, and that one summer when everyone cared about LaCroix. Buyer must
Local satire newsroom seeks one (1) intern willing to absorb the collective sighs, shrugs, and occasional ugly cries of seasoned columnists. Duties include: nodding sympathetically, fetching triple espressos, and exp