From orbit, Earth’s species appear varied. But step closer and you realize one truth: they all worship the same deity. They call it coffee. Every morning, without fail, millions shuffle toward this brown liquid as if their nervous system depends on it — which, according to their own scientists, it does.
The Ritual Observed
At precisely dawn, humans line up in temples branded “Starbucks” or “Dunkin’.” They chant passwords like “grande” and “pumpkin spice.” They hand over currency for what they call “bean water.” Then they sip, eyes rolling back in temporary ecstasy, and only then can they function in society. Remove the cup, and entire offices collapse into chaos.
The Statistics (Filed for Galactic Records)
- 92% of workplace decisions are made within 17 minutes of caffeine consumption. - 63% of emails begin with the phrase “Sorry, haven’t had coffee yet.” - 1 in 4 humans believe decaf is a valid substitute. These are considered heretics.
Alien Analysis
We studied your religions, your governments, your wars. But none unite you like coffee. You divide over borders, ideologies, even pizza toppings — but agree universally that Monday mornings are impossible without bean juice. Even your slogans admit the truth: “Don’t talk to me until…” is less a request than a survival warning.
Xylax’s Final Word
So continue your ritual, Earthlings. Brew your devotion, pour your loyalty, sip your fragile humanity one mug at a time. To us, it looks less like breakfast and more like worship. And every morning, at 7:45 a.m. Earth Time, the entire species bows in unison to the altar of bean water. Long may your deity percolate.
