Listen up: the Pittsburgh Steelers just made history, winning the first-ever regular-season NFL game in Ireland, 24–21 over the Vikings. And you know what? I was there in spirit — by which I mean I was three beers deep and yelling at the TV, which is basically the same thing.

The Game, By the Numbers (Sort Of)

Kenneth Gainwell ran for 99 yards and two touchdowns. That’s impressive. But did you know he also blinked 642 times during the game? True story — I counted, though I might’ve lost track around pint number four. Aaron Rodgers threw for 239 yards, but here’s the stat that matters: he adjusted his chin strap 17 times, which is 16 more times than I’ve ever adjusted my life.

The Vikings? They scored 21 points but also dropped 3 pints of Guinness in the stands, fumbled 5 bags of crisps, and somehow lost a drum in the marching band section. Useless stats? Maybe. But don’t tell me they don’t matter when you’re drunk enough to care.

Drunk Quotes from the Couch

“This is basically the Super Bowl, but with better beer.” – me, talking to the dog.

“They should have to kick field goals barefoot in Ireland, it’s only fair.” – also me, after shot number two.

“The real MVP is whoever figured out how to get nachos into a carry-on.” – probably me again, but my cousin swears he said it.

Overseas Implications (and Beer Logistics)

Sure, the Steelers won. But the real question is: how many kegs were tapped in Dublin last night? I’m putting the over/under at 4,000. If this keeps up, Ireland might actually petition the NFL for permanent residency. Heck, move the Jets there — they’d fit right in with all the sadness.

And let’s be honest: if you can drink through jet lag, you can drink through anything. Which makes the Steelers the most Irish NFL team by default. Congratulations, lads. Someone get me another pint — this celebration is only halftime in my living room.

Exclusive Post-Game Transcript: Live from My Kitchen

REPORTER: Dave, how many beers have you had tonight?
DAVE: Well, I lost count after seven but then I found the count again and it was nine. So… twelve?

REPORTER: Do you think the Steelers can carry this momentum into the season?
DAVE: Absolutely. Momentum is 80% mental, 20% beer foam. Write that down.

REPORTER: Who was your MVP?
DAVE: The bartender down at O’Malley’s. He kept the Guinness flowing. Oh, you meant on the field? Uh… number 24. The guy with arms. Great arms.

REPORTER: Any closing thoughts?
DAVE: Yeah. Put more NFL games in Ireland. Or in my backyard. Either way, I promise I’ll tailgate responsibly. 
(Spoiler: I won’t.)