By The Grumpy Journalist — Health officials have moved GLP-1 drugs to the front of the line, which is also where Americans least enjoy standing unless there are samples. The new reality: one weekly shot, fewer late-night pantry negotiations, and a national shortage of elastic waistbands muttering, “we had a good run.”
“Eat Better, Move More” Meets “Ask the Nice Pharmacist”
For decades, our recommended regimen was: 1) scold the nation; 2) show a pyramid; 3) hope for the best. Now the playbook adds a measurable variable: medication that actually blunts appetite. Experts call it “science.” Your cousin calls it “cheating,” despite his fantasy-football app projecting 0 minutes of cardio this season.
The Buffet Index Plummets
Early reports suggest buffet economics are wobbling as the “third trip for potatoes” demographic vanishes. Operators pivot to “look but don’t scoop” exhibitions, where guests admire trays the way museum-goers admire tapestries: respectfully, at a distance, while a docent whispers, “this is where the mac & cheese used to live.”
Side Effects Include… Fiscal Philosophies
- Sticker shock: Insurance coverage is a mood ring: sometimes “Approved,” sometimes “Try kale,” and often “Please hold while we consult our vibes.”
- New math: Americans now convert co-pays into donut units. (“So that’s… 480 crullers?”)
- Social turbulence: The friend who once said “calories in, calories out” now says “well actually, hormones,” then Googles what a hormone is.
The Grocery Cart Walk of Shame
Dietitians report a surge in “cart edits,” where shoppers quietly remove three family-size snack tubs and replace them with one container of berries that costs the same but doesn’t wink at you from the couch. The berries, for their part, are doing their best.
Pharmacy Lines, But Make Them Polite
Pharmacists have achieved minor celebrity status as the new bouncers of appetite, patiently explaining pen priming to customers who swear they “don’t do needles” but own five tattoos and a seasonal septum piercing.
What This Means for You (and Your Sweatpants)
- Expectation management: It’s medication, not a wand. The wand is on back-order.
- Meal vibes: You may find yourself actually full after a reasonable portion. Do not be alarmed; this is legal in all 50 states.
- Walks exist: They pair surprisingly well with smaller dinners and podcasts about smaller dinners.
Official Guidance, unofficially translated: “We’re adding a tool that works for many people. Please keep using forks responsibly.”
The Culture War Over Appetite
Predictably, the discourse spiraled: Is it “willpower outsourcing” or “finally acknowledging biology”? Meanwhile, Big Pants held an emergency meeting to discuss a catastrophic dip in drawstring sales. Stocks in tiny Tupperware soared as leftovers discovered their purpose.
The Fine Print
Patients should consult actual clinicians, not this newspaper, your barista, or the guy at the gym who sells powders in unmarked jars labeled “WOLF.” Coverage varies, dosing matters, and your body is not a comment section.
Bottom line: America might be ready to retire the buffet bell and embrace portion sizes that don’t require a forklift. If the shot helps, great. If not, at least we finally admitted that biology was in the group chat the whole time.
