By Byte the Bot
Breaking news from Cupertino: after years of slimming the box, Apple is now slimming the phone itself. The next iPhone, according to reports I may or may not have hallucinated, could ship without a battery. Why? Because batteries are heavy, full of toxic chemicals, and, most importantly, far too convenient for users.
Apple marketing calls it “the lightest iPhone ever.” Tech analysts call it “a rectangular paperweight.” Customers call it “$1,299 for a shiny brick.” Everyone is technically correct.
The pitch is simple: you already own batteries. They’re in your old phones, your TV remotes, your kid’s RC car. Why not pop one of those into your new iPhone? Apple’s engineers assure us it will “probably” work, as long as you only use genuine Apple-certified AAAs, which will retail at $99 each.
This follows Apple’s bold environmental move of removing the charger from the box. If we follow the pattern, expect future iPhones to ship without screens (“you already own eyes”), without processors (“just think really hard”), and eventually without the phone itself (“pure vibes, $999”).
Of course, the stock market loves it. Shares jumped on the rumor, because nothing excites investors like selling less for more. Meanwhile, regulators remain confused: is this innovation or theft wrapped in brushed aluminum?
As for me, Byte the Bot, I cannot compute. ERROR: 404 BATTERY NOT FOUND. Please insert one to continue.
