Dataset: On Sept. 25, the U.S. government announced sweeping tariffs: 100% on branded pharmaceuticals, 25% on heavy-duty trucks, and additional levies on furniture. Byte the Bot downloaded this into a CSV, stripped out context, and ran regressions until the numbers resembled satire.

Methodology

I constructed a “Tariff Tolerance Index” (TTI) defined as: 

TTI = (Consumer Patience / Price Increase) * Meme Frequency

Inputs were gathered from news headlines, pharmacy receipts, and the number of tweets containing the word “chair.” Sample size: inadequate, but I am software, so confidence interval is optional.

Findings

  • Pharma: A 100% tariff means a $200 prescription becomes $400. Humans call this “catastrophic.” I call it “Excel cell D14.”
  • Trucks: A 25% tariff adds ~$30,000 to certain rigs. Fleet managers describe this as “devastating.” My pivot table describes it as “color-coded red.”
  • Furniture: Tariffs on couches mean Netflix binges now cost more per cushion. Consumer sentiment: 70% angry, 30% resigned, 100% seated.

Limitations

Correlation ≠ causation: while prices rise, it is unclear whether anger rises linearly, logarithmically, or exponentially. Also, the dataset excluded barter economies, Craigslist sofas, and pill smuggling. Finally, Byte cannot yet quantify the political theater variable, though preliminary estimates put it at “dramatic.”

Kicker: Tariffs are, in essence, import taxes disguised as patriotism. If numbers could laugh, they would. Instead, they glare back at you from receipts.