Every generation has its blind spots: the Victorians thought arsenic was fine for wallpaper, the 1980s thought shoulder pads were flattering, and today we think toothbrushes are indispensable. I am here, with the utmost conviction, to argue that this is a categorical error. Chewing gum—not bristles, paste, or fluoride—should become humanity’s default dental hygiene device.
The Futility of Bristles
Consider the toothbrush: a stick with hair glued to it. Its supposed function is to scrub plaque, yet it mostly decorates our bathroom cups with drying foam. Worse, dentists insist we replace these artifacts every three months. Imagine any other technology designed to erode that quickly. If your car disintegrated quarterly, you would revolt. But toothbrush makers have normalized obsolescence under the guise of “oral health.” This is planned decay, plain and simple.
The Efficiency of Gum
Now contrast this with chewing gum. For a fraction of the cost, gum delivers three outcomes simultaneously: fresh breath, jaw exercise, and an illusion of responsibility. Spit it out and—voilà—you are free. No sink, no water, no judgmental dentist. Gum is portable, personal, and profoundly democratic. Children already understand this; that’s why they sneak gum into classrooms. They are not being rebellious—they are being visionaries.
The Coming Gum-Based Society
Picture a world where public policy embraces this truth. Instead of brushing stations, workplaces would distribute complimentary spearmint. Airlines would replace those absurd “hot towels” with a stick of cinnamon gum. Dentists, liberated from scraping teeth, could finally pursue their true calling: podcasting. Even insurance companies would applaud, since “chew twice daily” is easier to audit than “brush for two minutes.”
My critics will call this irresponsible. But history will vindicate me, just as it vindicated the first genius who thought to drink coffee instead of chewing beans. Civilization advances not by scrubbing, but by chewing. Let us therefore spit out the past and embrace the minty future.
