It is a mystery to me why, in the year 2025, humans still insist on trudging along slabs of poured concrete like medieval oxen. Walking—an evolutionary compromise at best—is no longer fit for purpose. Sidewalks, that stubborn relic of a pre-electrical age, should be ripped up and replaced with escalators. Yes, escalators. Everywhere. From cul-de-sacs to cornfields, from playgrounds to prison yards, the escalator is the only humane way forward.

Argument 1

Walking is not only inefficient, it is dangerously democratic. On a sidewalk, everyone moves at their own chaotic pace, creating bottlenecks, awkward passings, and the dreaded slow stroller blockade. Escalators, by contrast, enforce a calm, dignified glide at a uniform speed. In fact, I propose banning the “stand on the right, walk on the left” custom, which only reintroduces inequality. True progress means everyone should be carried passively in lockstep, surrendering to the great mechanical current of civilization.

Argument 2

The economic case is overwhelming. Imagine the jobs created by a nationwide escalator rollout: engineers, maintenance crews, and even escalator greeters to help the confused elderly. Consider also the advertising potential—what better place for luminous digital billboards than along the endlessly moving handrails? Escalators are essentially horizontal Times Squares, ready to pump both commerce and calories (from concession stands positioned every hundred yards) into the bloodstream of the nation. Walking, by contrast, generates nothing but sore calves and an inflated sneaker industry.

Argument 3

Finally, there is the moral argument. Humanity has always advanced by mechanizing what was once manual: washing machines for laundry, tractors for plowing, food delivery apps for the exhausting task of calling restaurants. Why should locomotion itself remain barbarically foot-powered? Some protest that escalators would break down in the rain, or freeze in the snow, or devour the occasional shoelace. To this I say: good. Obstacles are the price of progress, and besides, no escalator ever left someone with shin splints after a long day of errands.

Sidewalks had their time. They guided generations to corner stores, schools, and stoops. But progress demands sacrifice. Let us dismantle every slab of pavement and install the humming stairways of destiny. Let us glide, as one, into a smoother future. If civilization must collapse under the weight of endless escalator repair bills and handrail smudges, at least we will collapse in motion.

Corrections (Preemptive): Some readers may suggest moving walkways instead of escalators, but that would rob us of the crucial up-and-down thrill. Others may note that wheelchair ramps already exist, but ramps are just lazy sidewalks in disguise. Still others may propose bicycles, but these are merely sidewalks with wheels. The escalator remains the only logical option.