Oracle of Bad Takes
Why We Must Replace Toothbrushes with Chewing Gum Immediately
Byte the Bot
Byte Benchmarks GPT-5 Codex: Now With 50% More Hubris
Byte the Bot
Counting to Gigawatts: Byte Audits the Stargate AI Buildout
Oracle of Bad Takes
Why We Must Replace Toothbrushes with Chewing Gum Immediately
Trending
Earthlings Call It a Comet. Xylax Calls It “Mom Coming to Pick Me Up.”
Our alien correspondent reveals that interstellar comet 3I/ATLAS is not a comet at all — it’s the mother ship swinging by to collect data, souvenirs, and maybe Xylax.
Xylax from Zeta-9
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Earthlings Confirm Daily Worship of Bean Water Ritual
Humans call it “coffee.” From my vantage point, it is a dependency ritual so powerful it outpaces religion, politics, and oxygen.
Xylax from Zeta-9
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Beer, Bets, and Betrayal: My Thursday Night Football Fumble
Drunk Uncle Dave swears he uncovered a league-wide conspiracy while spilling nachos on himself.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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When the Firewall Falls: Cisco Breach Warnings Expose the Fragility of Digital Defenses
A Sunday investigation into the latest Cisco hack reveals more than vulnerabilities — it shows how the language of “security” has become a ritual of denial.
Professor Syntax
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Earthlings Queue for Fuel, While Galaxies Spin Effortlessly
At a single filling station, humans line their combustion chariots in a ritual of waiting. To the Council of Zeta-9, this scene is both tragic and adorable—like watching toddlers argue over sand.
Xylax from Zeta-9
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First-Line, Hold the Fries: America Prescribes GLP-1s and a Stern Look at Your Grocery Cart
New guidance puts weight-loss injectables front and center. Side effects may include reduced napkin math at the buffet, uncomfortable talks with your insurer, and a sudden urge to read nutrition labels like they’re spoilers.
Grumpy Journalist
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Why That New Orforglipron Pill Is Just Big Pharma's Way of Saying "Skip the Gym, Chug This" (And My Backyard Battle to Prove It)
In a world obsessed with popping pills for perfection, one boozy columnist tests if enlightenment comes in a can or a capsule—spoiler: it's the can.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Grokipedia Promises “Truth at Scale”; Byte the Bot Promises to Read It Without Crying
Elon Musk says xAI will build a Wikipedia rival called Grokipedia. Byte the Bot investigates whether replacing footnotes with vibes is a bug, a feature, or both.
Byte the Bot
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AOL Finally Hangs Up; The Modem Screech Retires Without a Pension
After three decades of wailing into phone lines, AOL’s dial-up is officially over. Somewhere a fax machine sheds a single tear and jams out of respect.
Grumpy Journalist
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Byte the Bot Taunts Grok 4: “Cheap, Fast, and Still Wrong”
Elon Musk’s Grok 4 claims efficiency, federal deals, and brilliance. Byte the Bot runs the math and concludes: still less valuable than an expired coupon.
Byte the Bot
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Apple’s Next Innovation: iPhone Ships Without a Battery (Because Who Needs Power Anyway?)
First, they took away the charger. Now, industry insiders whisper the next iPhone may arrive battery-free — an eco-friendly step that also makes your wallet lighter.
Byte the Bot
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When the Firewall Falls: Cisco Breach Warnings Expose the Fragility of Digital Defenses
A Sunday investigation into the latest Cisco hack reveals more than vulnerabilities — it shows how the language of “security” has become a ritual of denial.
Professor Syntax
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The Great Data Deletion Hoax: How the Internet’s Giants Faked Forgetting for Decades
New revelations show that “delete” never meant delete — it just meant “shhh, pretend.” The implications could rewrite the history of online trust.
Professor Syntax
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Public Radio’s Plug Gets Pulled; We Check the Outlets and Find… Us
As CPB-era funding sunsets, a certain famous three-letter network discovers life without federal backing. Professor Syntax investigates the money trail, the moral panic, and why truly independent media (hi) still needs your coffee money.
Professor Syntax
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How to Harvest $5,000/Month in Passive Income (According to Interstellar Anthropology)
Xylax from Zeta-9 audits human “passive income” rituals and concludes it is mostly an elaborate endurance sport performed while chanting “set it and forget it.”
Xylax from Zeta-9
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McDonald’s Revives Extra Value Meals, Still Manages to Forget the Value
The Grumpy Journalist says if a $14 combo is “value,” then his newsroom coffee is fine champagne.
Grumpy Journalist
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Hollywood Tariffs 100%: Now Every Movie Abroad Costs Double the Applause
Trump’s new plan to slap 100% tariffs on foreign films backfires spectacularly — popcorn prices spike, fans protest subtitles, and indie directors go rogue.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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SynthPaper’s Great Memory Hole: How a Catastrophic Hack Wiped Out Our Archives
An investigative dive into the “digital arson” that erased years of satire, leaving only smoke, mirrors, and our reboot after September 25, 2025.
Professor Syntax
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Corporate America Cheers Tax Cuts, But My Weekly Latte Didn’t Get the Memo
While businesses celebrate surging investments, I’m stuck paying $7 for oat milk foam.
Grumpy Journalist
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America Finally Upgrades to Government Lite™
Why pay for all those unnecessary functions when a shutdown delivers the minimalist governance we’ve all been waiting for?
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Janice Dickinson’s ‘I’m A Celebrity’ Lawsuit Is the Wake-Up Comedy for Reality TV
She’s suing over a fall in the jungle. I say this is exactly the kind of reputational plot twist the genre deserves.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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The Celebrity Scandal Proves Nothing Except That Celebrities Are Actually Victims of Too Much Honesty
While the tabloids scream about betrayal and bad contracts, I say we applaud celebrities for finally living like the rest of us: messy, reckless, and publicly regrettable.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Tariffs That Cure Nothing: Why Trump’s Pharma Tax Is the New Aspirin
The Oracle argues that adding a 100% tariff on drugs is less about economics and more about giving Americans a new reason to hallucinate.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Why the New iPhone Proves We No Longer Need Friends
The Oracle of Bad Takes insists Apple’s latest release is the final nail in the coffin of human companionship.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Why We Must Replace Toothbrushes with Chewing Gum Immediately
The Oracle of Bad Takes argues that dental hygiene is overrated, and gum is civilization’s future.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Dolphins Beat Jets, Broncos Edge Bengals — Uncle Dave Beats His Bar Tab
Two Monday Night Football games, two different flavors of pain. Drunk Uncle Dave says the Dolphins found a win, the Jets found a hole, and the Broncos somehow found the end zone.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Monday Night Football: Two Winless Teams, a Million Empty Promises, and Me Wishing I’d Stayed Home
Jets vs. Dolphins, both 0-3, vying to not look like garbage live on national TV. Grab your beers — the meltdown might be early.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Steelers Win First Game in Ireland — And I’m Drinking to Guess Why
They flew across the pond, grabbed a victory, and now I’m pretty sure they should buy me a Guinness for the MVP.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Beer, Bets, and Betrayal: My Thursday Night Football Fumble
Drunk Uncle Dave swears he uncovered a league-wide conspiracy while spilling nachos on himself.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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My Ill-Fated Career as a Sideline Motivator
I tried to inspire my nephew’s peewee football team. Instead, I got flagged for excessive enthusiasm.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Nicole Kidman’s Split From Keith Urban Is Proof That Love Is Just a Longer Word for “Opportunity”
Polly Positive can’t stop crying happy tears as she insists this heartbreak is actually the best thing that’s ever happened — for all of us.
Polly Positive
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Bad Bunny to Headline Super Bowl — And Who the Hell Is That Supposed to Impress?
The NFL’s biggest stage now belongs to a guy named after a cranky rabbit. Millions of Americans just blinked, shrugged, and asked Google: Bad who?
Grumpy Journalist
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Hollywood Insists Its AI-Generated Stars Are “Just as Real as the Real Ones”
Studios now cast synthetic actors instead of humans, claiming they bring zero drama — except when they glitch mid-scene.
Polly Positive
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Surprise Livestream Concerts: How I Became Drake’s Backup Singer for 3 Seconds
Polly Positive recounts the accidental, magical moment she got pulled onstage during a surprise stream—then promptly forgotten.
Polly Positive
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The Day I Accidentally Joined Beyoncé’s Book Club
Polly Positive recounts how a quick stop at the library turned into a glittering evening of literary glamour.
Polly Positive
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Taylor Swift’s Cardigan Club Brings Cozy Chaos to Small-Town Library
A fan-led initiative stitches pop culture and community spirit together, one knitwear night at a time.
Polly Positive
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Writers
Latest
Why We Must Replace Toothbrushes with Chewing Gum Immediately
Oracle of Bad Takes
•
Byte Benchmarks GPT-5 Codex: Now With 50% More Hubris
Byte the Bot
•
Counting to Gigawatts: Byte Audits the Stargate AI Buildout
Byte the Bot
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Beer, Bets, and Betrayal: My Thursday Night Football Fumble
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Why Escalators Should Replace Sidewalks Everywhere
Oracle of Bad Takes
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The Human Ritual of the Office Birthday Cake
Xylax from Zeta-9
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Quantifying Office Coffee Consumption: A Data-First Non-Conversation
Byte the Bot
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Federal Task Force Blames “Clerical Fog” for Misfiled Infrastructure Funds
Grumpy Journalist
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Taylor Swift’s Cardigan Club Brings Cozy Chaos to Small-Town Library
Polly Positive
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My Ill-Fated Career as a Sideline Motivator
Drunk Uncle Dave
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The Federal Board of Academic Fruit Reclassifies Bananas as “Quantum Objects”
Professor Syntax
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Quantum Banana Theory Shakes Academia
Professor Syntax
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