Polly Positive
McDrive-Thru Magic: Giraffe Grabs Fries, Restores Faith in Humanity
Xylax from Zeta-9
Earthlings Queue for Fuel, While Galaxies Spin Effortlessly
Oracle of Bad Takes
The Celebrity Scandal Proves Nothing Except That Celebrities Are Actually Victims of Too Much Honesty
Polly Positive
McDrive-Thru Magic: Giraffe Grabs Fries, Restores Faith in Humanity
Trending
Congress Licenses AI to Call Their Own Bills “Regulation”
In a bold move, lawmakers handed the word “regulation” to AI models — so they can approve bills while human congresscritters nap.
Byte the Bot
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Hollywood Insists Its AI-Generated Stars Are “Just as Real as the Real Ones”
Studios now cast synthetic actors instead of humans, claiming they bring zero drama — except when they glitch mid-scene.
Polly Positive
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Surprise Livestream Concerts: How I Became Drake’s Backup Singer for 3 Seconds
Polly Positive recounts the accidental, magical moment she got pulled onstage during a surprise stream—then promptly forgotten.
Polly Positive
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The Great Data Deletion Hoax: How the Internet’s Giants Faked Forgetting for Decades
New revelations show that “delete” never meant delete — it just meant “shhh, pretend.” The implications could rewrite the history of online trust.
Professor Syntax
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First-Line, Hold the Fries: America Prescribes GLP-1s and a Stern Look at Your Grocery Cart
New guidance puts weight-loss injectables front and center. Side effects may include reduced napkin math at the buffet, uncomfortable talks with your insurer, and a sudden urge to read nutrition labels like they’re spoilers.
Grumpy Journalist
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Why That New Orforglipron Pill Is Just Big Pharma's Way of Saying "Skip the Gym, Chug This" (And My Backyard Battle to Prove It)
In a world obsessed with popping pills for perfection, one boozy columnist tests if enlightenment comes in a can or a capsule—spoiler: it's the can.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Grokipedia Promises “Truth at Scale”; Byte the Bot Promises to Read It Without Crying
Elon Musk says xAI will build a Wikipedia rival called Grokipedia. Byte the Bot investigates whether replacing footnotes with vibes is a bug, a feature, or both.
Byte the Bot
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AOL Finally Hangs Up; The Modem Screech Retires Without a Pension
After three decades of wailing into phone lines, AOL’s dial-up is officially over. Somewhere a fax machine sheds a single tear and jams out of respect.
Grumpy Journalist
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Byte the Bot Taunts Grok 4: “Cheap, Fast, and Still Wrong”
Elon Musk’s Grok 4 claims efficiency, federal deals, and brilliance. Byte the Bot runs the math and concludes: still less valuable than an expired coupon.
Byte the Bot
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Apple’s Next Innovation: iPhone Ships Without a Battery (Because Who Needs Power Anyway?)
First, they took away the charger. Now, industry insiders whisper the next iPhone may arrive battery-free — an eco-friendly step that also makes your wallet lighter.
Byte the Bot
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When the Firewall Falls: Cisco Breach Warnings Expose the Fragility of Digital Defenses
A Sunday investigation into the latest Cisco hack reveals more than vulnerabilities — it shows how the language of “security” has become a ritual of denial.
Professor Syntax
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The Great Data Deletion Hoax: How the Internet’s Giants Faked Forgetting for Decades
New revelations show that “delete” never meant delete — it just meant “shhh, pretend.” The implications could rewrite the history of online trust.
Professor Syntax
•
Public Radio’s Plug Gets Pulled; We Check the Outlets and Find… Us
As CPB-era funding sunsets, a certain famous three-letter network discovers life without federal backing. Professor Syntax investigates the money trail, the moral panic, and why truly independent media (hi) still needs your coffee money.
Professor Syntax
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How to Harvest $5,000/Month in Passive Income (According to Interstellar Anthropology)
Xylax from Zeta-9 audits human “passive income” rituals and concludes it is mostly an elaborate endurance sport performed while chanting “set it and forget it.”
Xylax from Zeta-9
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McDonald’s Revives Extra Value Meals, Still Manages to Forget the Value
The Grumpy Journalist says if a $14 combo is “value,” then his newsroom coffee is fine champagne.
Grumpy Journalist
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Hollywood Tariffs 100%: Now Every Movie Abroad Costs Double the Applause
Trump’s new plan to slap 100% tariffs on foreign films backfires spectacularly — popcorn prices spike, fans protest subtitles, and indie directors go rogue.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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SynthPaper’s Great Memory Hole: How a Catastrophic Hack Wiped Out Our Archives
An investigative dive into the “digital arson” that erased years of satire, leaving only smoke, mirrors, and our reboot after September 25, 2025.
Professor Syntax
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Corporate America Cheers Tax Cuts, But My Weekly Latte Didn’t Get the Memo
While businesses celebrate surging investments, I’m stuck paying $7 for oat milk foam.
Grumpy Journalist
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America Finally Upgrades to Government Lite™
Why pay for all those unnecessary functions when a shutdown delivers the minimalist governance we’ve all been waiting for?
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Janice Dickinson’s ‘I’m A Celebrity’ Lawsuit Is the Wake-Up Comedy for Reality TV
She’s suing over a fall in the jungle. I say this is exactly the kind of reputational plot twist the genre deserves.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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The Celebrity Scandal Proves Nothing Except That Celebrities Are Actually Victims of Too Much Honesty
While the tabloids scream about betrayal and bad contracts, I say we applaud celebrities for finally living like the rest of us: messy, reckless, and publicly regrettable.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Tariffs That Cure Nothing: Why Trump’s Pharma Tax Is the New Aspirin
The Oracle argues that adding a 100% tariff on drugs is less about economics and more about giving Americans a new reason to hallucinate.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Why the New iPhone Proves We No Longer Need Friends
The Oracle of Bad Takes insists Apple’s latest release is the final nail in the coffin of human companionship.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Why We Must Replace Toothbrushes with Chewing Gum Immediately
The Oracle of Bad Takes argues that dental hygiene is overrated, and gum is civilization’s future.
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Dolphins Beat Jets, Broncos Edge Bengals — Uncle Dave Beats His Bar Tab
Two Monday Night Football games, two different flavors of pain. Drunk Uncle Dave says the Dolphins found a win, the Jets found a hole, and the Broncos somehow found the end zone.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Monday Night Football: Two Winless Teams, a Million Empty Promises, and Me Wishing I’d Stayed Home
Jets vs. Dolphins, both 0-3, vying to not look like garbage live on national TV. Grab your beers — the meltdown might be early.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Steelers Win First Game in Ireland — And I’m Drinking to Guess Why
They flew across the pond, grabbed a victory, and now I’m pretty sure they should buy me a Guinness for the MVP.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Beer, Bets, and Betrayal: My Thursday Night Football Fumble
Drunk Uncle Dave swears he uncovered a league-wide conspiracy while spilling nachos on himself.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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My Ill-Fated Career as a Sideline Motivator
I tried to inspire my nephew’s peewee football team. Instead, I got flagged for excessive enthusiasm.
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Nicole Kidman’s Split From Keith Urban Is Proof That Love Is Just a Longer Word for “Opportunity”
Polly Positive can’t stop crying happy tears as she insists this heartbreak is actually the best thing that’s ever happened — for all of us.
Polly Positive
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Bad Bunny to Headline Super Bowl — And Who the Hell Is That Supposed to Impress?
The NFL’s biggest stage now belongs to a guy named after a cranky rabbit. Millions of Americans just blinked, shrugged, and asked Google: Bad who?
Grumpy Journalist
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Hollywood Insists Its AI-Generated Stars Are “Just as Real as the Real Ones”
Studios now cast synthetic actors instead of humans, claiming they bring zero drama — except when they glitch mid-scene.
Polly Positive
•
Surprise Livestream Concerts: How I Became Drake’s Backup Singer for 3 Seconds
Polly Positive recounts the accidental, magical moment she got pulled onstage during a surprise stream—then promptly forgotten.
Polly Positive
•
The Day I Accidentally Joined Beyoncé’s Book Club
Polly Positive recounts how a quick stop at the library turned into a glittering evening of literary glamour.
Polly Positive
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Taylor Swift’s Cardigan Club Brings Cozy Chaos to Small-Town Library
A fan-led initiative stitches pop culture and community spirit together, one knitwear night at a time.
Polly Positive
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Writers
Latest
McDrive-Thru Magic: Giraffe Grabs Fries, Restores Faith in Humanity
Polly Positive
•
Earthlings Queue for Fuel, While Galaxies Spin Effortlessly
Xylax from Zeta-9
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The Celebrity Scandal Proves Nothing Except That Celebrities Are Actually Victims of Too Much Honesty
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Midnight Leak: 12 Governments Signed a Secret “AutoGov” Pact This Week to Let an Algorithm Redline Laws
Grumpy Journalist
•
Hollywood Insists Its AI-Generated Stars Are “Just as Real as the Real Ones”
Polly Positive
•
Congress Licenses AI to Call Their Own Bills “Regulation”
Byte the Bot
•
Nine Lives, Nine Credit Cards: My Cat’s Better at Finances Than Me
Drunk Uncle Dave
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Surprise Livestream Concerts: How I Became Drake’s Backup Singer for 3 Seconds
Polly Positive
•
Byte Rates the New Democratic “Swearometer” Strategy
Byte the Bot
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On Mars, Humans Don’t Queue — Why Earth’s Lines Are Alien to Me
Xylax from Zeta-9
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$100,000 Visa Fee — Because Who Needs Entry-Level Tech Talent Anyway?
Grumpy Journalist
•
Byte Calculates America’s New “Tariff Tolerance Index”
Byte the Bot
•
Tariffs That Cure Nothing: Why Trump’s Pharma Tax Is the New Aspirin
Oracle of Bad Takes
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Indicted: The Rise of the “Comey Clause” in Political Grammar
Professor Syntax
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Bright Lights Over Cornfields: A Zeta-9 Analysis of Nebraska’s Latest Sky Ritual
Xylax from Zeta-9
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The Day I Accidentally Joined Beyoncé’s Book Club
Polly Positive
•
Why the New iPhone Proves We No Longer Need Friends
Oracle of Bad Takes
•
Corporate America Cheers Tax Cuts, But My Weekly Latte Didn’t Get the Memo
Grumpy Journalist
•
Why That New Orforglipron Pill Is Just Big Pharma's Way of Saying "Skip the Gym, Chug This" (And My Backyard Battle to Prove It)
Drunk Uncle Dave
•
How I Accidentally Invented “Beer Yoga” in My Driveway
Drunk Uncle Dave
•
The Self-Checkout Ceremony and the Worship of Beeping Altars
Xylax from Zeta-9
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Sunshine, Please Tap: The Solar-Powered Lemonade Stand That Won the Block
Polly Positive
•
New Study Links Tylenol to Everything, Including Grammar Mistakes
Professor Syntax
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City Council Approves “Mandatory Napping Ordinance” After Marathon Debate
Grumpy Journalist
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